- random thoughts from tonight
- April 12th, 2012
I was watching "The Social Network" tonight, and for all intents and purposes, I was going to finish watching the special features that I have left from "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo" afterwards. I was at first under the impression that I had watched them all already, only to remember that I hit all the ones that I thought were heavy in the Rooney Mara content. Silly me. I did do other special features after hitting the ones that I thought contained the most with her, but I do remember that there was one with Daniel Craig that I didn't do, and am sure that there is one other that I missed. lol. Oh, well. While I was watching "The Social Network" and had it paused on one of the times when I needed to run to the restroom, it occured to me that I finally have a dentist appointment for a teeth cleaning next week. Then I of course got really sad and scared. No, I'm not one that is scared of the dentist. When I was little I used to be, but then again isn't everyone when they're young?? No, I was scared because the last time that I was at this particular dentist office, I was with my mom. Then I started to worry about what types of questions that they might ask me, and then get sucked into a thought about my mom that I had most likely not recalled over the last eight months and thought about what would happen if/when I lose it? I'm most likely going to lose it anyways. It's the same reason I haven't been able to take another physical class in school. The only one I've taken since she has passed was an Intro to Counseling class and that is now my new major. That class did also help me get a bit more of a grip in my life and helped me to see things better. Though I of course spent the entire three and a half hour class crying. I tried to stop it, but I just couldn't. It was the emotion of having to continue to go through the drudgery of school, with my confidant and friend there to help me. To ask how the day went? How I did on my tests? What did I learn? Do I like it? Just the daily things that seem small and nonsensical to most people, but at the end of the day were the talks/discussions that I looked forward to most. It really is like they say in the movie's: the little things in life really do matter. Most of you may not see that now, but believe me, it really does matter. A time will unfortunately come for you, as it will for every one of us on earth. Just the way the world works, but like me, it will happen sooner for some than for others. I suggest you value your time with your parents. They're the only set you got. It doesn't matter if they're adopted or not. If they're your parents and the ones you've spent your whole life with, then they are the ones that truly matter. And if you happened to get shitty, evil, rude, pedophile parents, than I don't suggest that. I do however suggest you enjoy your time with your friends, or people who to you are your family. Either way, just be there. That's all it requires. Love the ones you love and you will in turn be loved back.
So...as you see, right now I'm not really one whose great at being left alone with me. I'm constantly trying to keep my mind occupied about other things so that way I don't just completely breakdown and be lying back in my bed and sleeping all day like I was for those first two weeks; simply becuase it was too painful to be awake because I'd be thinking about mom. Ironically, sleep seems to be the only time when I still don't seem to think about her, but even that time is beginning to end. It's slowly starting to turn to that direction. I can tell. I keep having dreams about my extended family and in the end, I know full well where that will lead me. My nightmares also seem to be growing once again at a steady pace, though this doesn't surprise me. Even if I'm having dreams now, they're other either a type of nighmare or just blank, black, nothingness. This is fine with me. I don't mind not having happy dreams. Happy dreams were back to when I was always happy every single day and that isn't the case anymore. At best on any given day now, I am contempt. That is fine with me. Contempt is better than being depressed and dreading the time that you cannot sleep anymore because you have to wake up and suffer through another fourteen hour hell of a day. That was what the first couple months were. Never been did I loathe having to see the sun and then loathe when the sun went down. This was was what each and everyday has felt like for quite a few months. I do still dread having to wake up and go through the day, but now it's just nornal. Something that simply MUST be done. I look forward to the time when I have to read and be taken away from my pain and into the life of someone else's. That is why my reading habits have kicked up a great deal. And then there was the shock in finding the GREAT movie "The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo." That was unexpected though pleasant. Never was I so taken with a movie that for the entire TWO AND A HALF HOURS I didn't think one single thought about my life and what it is currently like. I was sucked into the compelling story and completely flabergasted after the rape scene. I admit to being completely on edge and fearing for Rooney Mara every time she was alone all throughout the second half. It did take a LOT of convincing to force myself to watch it again before my rental time expired. I really didn't know if I liked it or not after the first time I saw it. I was honestly leaning toward a "No." But the second time I skipped over the rape scene and caught the story I was too shocked to miss because of the rape scene and now it seems like a bulk of my thinking during the days. Which is fine with me. I need something to keep me completely occupied. I'm just mad the the book only took me five lousy days to read, because with my reading skills and the fact that the book was 644 pages long; I figured it would take me the rest of the month to read it. Fine by me, the school reading is quite hefty, but I thought it would get me through the rest of the month until school was over. That wasn't the case. Now I'm waiting ever so impatiently to read the second and third book, and cannot because of stinking school!! Oh well, just a couple more weeks and then those books are ALL MINE!!!!! lol.
Well...I feel as though I've put enough out there tonight. I must say it was WAY MORE than I originally thought that it was going to be. I figured one lousy miniscule paragraph and that was at best what it would be like. Hahaha. I guess that there was more in my mind than I had originally thought. I should not be shocked by this. It typically happens when I get into a writing groove. I find that I can easily do a dissertation on just one such subject no problem. Writing is just something that I purely enjoy. I find that it shows in my inability to shut up as it does now. An entire paragraph on me wanting to end this post. lol. At least it's more miniscule than my previous two. I like to think that that will count for something. It does in my book. Good night. I really must be getting in bed now.